Disclaimer: This post is from , a satirical site about healthcare.
A nationwide recall of human cadavers was issued Friday after anatomy students at a California medical school were surprised to find a major defect in their cadaver: It wasn't dead.
Thursday morning, medical student Edward S. Hands said he had just cut into an arm using scissors when the cadaver -- affectionately nicknamed "Kenny" -- suddenly sat straight up, looked around in a daze, spotted the deep cuts in his arm and body, and calmly said, "Ouch." Then, hopping off the table, he wrapped a drape around his waist and marched out of the room.
Body donation organizations are at a loss to explain how a living person could have slipped through the cracks. "We take pride in delivering the highest quality corpses," said Abby Cadavvy, CEO of Sesame Medical Care, a major cadaver supplier, "ones that will lie perfectly still on the table while students dissect it. We regret that a clearly defective cadaver made its way into an anatomy lab."
Upon learning of the incident, the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (HHS) ordered a recall of all cadavers now in the supply chain. "All cadavers must be sent back to the body donation companies," said HHS Secretary Alex Azar, "so they can make sure that the bodies are, in fact, 100% dead."
Once the bodies are received, they will perform 72-hour cardiac monitoring, 48-hour EEG monitoring, 24 hours of continuous CPR, a Mini-Mental State Exam, and a colonoscopy on each body to search for any signs of life.
Azar was questioned about the need for colonoscopy.
"Yes," he confirmed, "because if they are still alive, they'll make that abundantly clear when you shove a tube up their ... well, you get the picture."
Asked for her reaction, Bernardette Lomax, a med student in Pennsylvania, said, "Oh dear, we've been slicing our cadaver for weeks already. It'd be devastating to learn she's been alive this whole time!"
As for Kenny, authorities are eager to speak to him and examine him medically, but he hasn't been seen since his dramatic exit from the anatomy lab.
Authorities also wish to interview the anatomy professor and the other two dozen students who witnessed Kenny's revival (a.k.a. #TheyResurrectedKenny). But they too have been unavailable for comment because they all remain in the anatomy lab, frozen in place, eyes wide and mouth agape. In fact, it appears they were literally frightened to death. Fortunately, they can now be used as replacement cadavers.